Mink Machine

Movie horizon of 2006

After the great movie year of 2005, what do we see at the horizon?

  • V for Vendetta
    I already suspect that this movie adaptation of one of my favorite graphic novel by Alan Moore will be the most outstanding cinema experience of 2006.
  • Southland Tales
    Richard Kelly, the man behind the masterpiece Donnie Darko, is back with a Philip K. Dick-inspired mind-twist set in Los Angeles featuring Kevin Smith and original music by Moby. Sounds great!
  • The Fountain
    Darren Aronofsky is finally back with something that looks interesting.
  • Casino Royale
    Bond 21 has been the undisputed number one on the rumor mill during last year, but at least we know that Daniel Craig is the new guy in tuxedo.
  • Marie Antoinette
    Sofia Coppola returns to tell the tale of the Viennese girl who became queen of France.
  • Saw 2
    Another sequel to a surprisingly good first movie. Hopefully it adds something new, and not just more of the same. The trailer smells of the latter.
  • Lady in the Water
    Shyamalan has gone from great to crap in only four films, but I still have to watch this one. I double-dare him to stay away from several obvious plot twists this time.
  • Miami Vice
    Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx dons the roles of Crockett and Tubbs. From what I’ve seen so far we won’t get much of the original trademarks such as pink t-shirts, white loafers and Jan Hammer.
  • Underworld: Evolution
    If it is anything like its predecessor, we’re in for a real treat as it’s time for Marcus to emerge.
  • Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – Dead man’s chest
    Captain Jack is back! Let’s see if Keith Richards finally made it to the already odd cast featuring Bill Nighy and Stellan Skarsgård. Now bring me that horizon…
  • Ultraviolet
    Milla Jovovich stars in this mix of Aeon Flux and Resident Evil. The result can be as lousy as Catwoman or Elektra, if they’re not careful enough.
  • Angel-A
    Luc Besson is back. Nuff said.
  • Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny
    It was unavoidable. Here comes Jack Black and Kyle Gass in Tenacious D – the movie. Hopefully it will keep the insane bias of their music videos.
  • Mission: Impossible III
    Don’t try to act surprised… Ethan Hunt is back, but this time it’s directed by J.J. Abrams, known from the series Lost and Alias, that hopefully means more plot and less slow-motion. (If you miss John Woo, there’s always his upcoming He-Man movie…)
  • Da Vinci Code
    Why, of all people, Tom Hanks?
  • The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
    Brad Pitt stars in this movie with one of the silliest and longest titles ever.
  • Highlander 5: The Source
    This is actually the first in a trilogy of Highlander movies which will start hitting us in 2006. This time it’s all for Duncan MacLeod, which means no more Christopher Lambert. Well, it can’t be worse than Highlander 2, right?

2006 also seems to continue the never-ending trend of stories based on superheroes and computer games.

  • Silent Hill
    Let’s see if they manage to capture the spooky environments of the game. Also, Sean Bean is in it, so it can’t be all bad.
  • Superman Returns
    Considering that the lead actor was selected after a Jacuzzi session with the director and that his “lower parts” had to be digitally reduced in order to avoid too much attention, this will probably stink more than Glitter.
  • X-Men 3 – The Last Stand
    I have a bad feeling about this one, but at least we’ll hopefully get a glance at Dark Phoenix. And believe it or not, Fox has already confirmed that X-Men 4 is on it’s way, making the word “last” in the title a bit awkward.
  • Ghost Rider
    Nicolas Cage plays the role of soulless Johnny Blaze who transforms into the Marvel character Ghost Rider, a motorcycle dude with burning cranium! I’ve seen footage and it looks just as awkward as one would expect.
  • Dungeons & Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God
    Believe it or not, the blue ears are back!
  • In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
    Uwe Boll is currently doing post-production on this game adaptation, featuring Burt Reynolds as king. Lord have mercy.
  • Bloodrayne
    Yes, it’s Uwe Boll again! This is another vampire story where Kristanna Loken plays an undressed version of Kate Beckinsale’s Selene character, based on a computer game. Ironically, it is being described by the producer as “Uwe Boll’s best movie so far”. The most funny part is probably the talks of a sequel, which is placed by Boll in the Wild West! That’s right, prepare for the cowboy vampires! There’s unfortunately also talks of adapting Konami’s classic Metal Gear Solid to the big screen. Stay tuned for this one. Meanwhile, read one of the backstories.

In short, a very entertaining year with a lot of brain-dead movies, so alluringly free of the ravages of intelligence, to paraphrase Benson in Time Bandits. Everything a sardonic movie critic could wish for. And please, reach a decision concerning the Watchmen movie. Do or do not, there is no try.


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